Happy Valentine’s Day friends.
Pardon the not so great photo but my day started in the best way with snuggles of the toddler and golden retriever kind. Finn has been waking up at 6:15-6:30a lately so I’ve been bringing him into bed with me to cuddle for 15-20 minutes before we head downstairs to start the day. Of course Zoey doesn’t want to miss out so she usually ends up in bed with us. 🙂
Valentine’s Day mean “choc-y” is acceptable before breakfast.
I sent each of Finn’s preschool classmates the Llama Llama I Love You board book as Finn’s Valentine since they were doing a little Valentine’s party today.
Once I dropped Finn off at preschool, my Valentine’s festivities were pretty much over for the day. I spent the rest of my day in meetings, working and teaching…and I was totally good with that.
I have been single for the better part of two years now but I am not sad or lonely being single on this Valentine’s Day. Instead, I feel whole, complete and grateful for the abundance of love in my life. The saddest part of my day was when I walked into a sushi restaurant after taking a yoga class and they flat out told me no on placing a to-go order, haha. (It wasn’t even that busy…guess they were just getting a ton of to-go orders.)
Motherhood brought with it the gift of understanding unconditional, all-encompassing love that I didn’t fully grasp prior to experiencing the love that I feel for Finn. This new understanding of love has deepened my relationship with myself, my family, my friends and my community.
I love me like I’ve never loved me in my life. I am so proud of myself for growing this amazing human and figuring out how to keep him healthy, happy and thriving. It’s a day-by-day exercise in doing the best I can with what I have available but I’ve tapped into strength, resilience and intuition that I believe was always with me but dormant and untrusted.
I have always had a close relationship with my immediate family but as I’ve shared before, becoming a parent myself has brought us even closer. It’s given me a whole new level of respect for how they’ve loved and supported me unconditionally for the 36 years of my life. While being a single parent has been extremely challenging, I would never trade the time that I’ve spent with my family because of it. I will cherish the memories that we have made forever.
I have come to appreciate that I am in relationship with my close friends and that these relationships have ups and downs and take a lot of hard work, open communication and again…unconditional love. Being out of a romantic relationship has given me an amazing lens on my friendships, and my bonds with the important women in my life have strengthened so much because of it. The work we put in is worth the reward we get out a million times over. I truly believe that deep bonds with other women can provide us with things that our romantic relationships cannot, and we can’t lose sight of that when we’re wrapped up in the romantic space.
Just today a new friend and business acquaintance shared with me that I am “hard to read.” We discussed how some of that is feedback that I’ve received my whole life, intrinsic to my nature and won’t change. I also told him that I have been trying hard to STAY OPEN and not to come across as closed off or unapproachable. These days, I try hard to walk into the yoga studio, grocery store, airport…wherever I might be…with the intention of OPEN and not closed. I truly believe this is my life’s work. It’s a huge challenge for me but I’ve seen nothing but promising rewards and love from opening my heart.
I want to say a lot of things, and I won’t get to all of them in this post. Opening up about being single is a vulnerable space for me and I’m tip-toeing into it here. I know that there’s nothing to be ashamed of but it’s hard to feel like there’s not something “wrong” with me when all my other mom friends are partnered and many are on the way to baby number two. It’s been a gift to fully accept that I don’t need a partner to complete me. This little guy, my family, my friends, my work and my community are ENOUGH but that doesn’t mean that it’s not hard.
That said, it’s important for me to share that I am CLEAR that it is no other person’s responsibility to make me feel happy, whole and loved. Finn does not complete me. My family doesn’t complete me. My friends don’t complete me. My work doesn’t complete me. The only place that I can get the feeling of WHOLE and LOVED is within me.
Of course, sometimes I am lonely and wish for a partner to share everything from the mundane to the exciting with, but I am not willing to trade the peace and wholeness that I have found within myself for a warm body. It’s my dream to find a partner, get married and have a family but I would also rather be single forever than to settle for something that does not provide a huge value add for mine and Finn’s life.
Being single for these two years has been one of the biggest blessings of my life. It’s honestly something that I never thought I could do but I am so freaking proud of myself for doing it. I don’t know what the future looks like and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I dip in and out of feeling a little hopeless about dating as a single mom. I keep myself grounded in feeling gratitude for the quality of the love in my life in all the ways that aren’t romantic. I commit to keeping myself open to possibilities and not closing off or shutting down. I deeply trust that as long as I stay focused on my path of growth, healing and opening, big things are coming. I don’t know how and I don’t know when, but they will come.
Wherever you are, whatever you are facing…lean into love. It doesn’t have to look a certain way. Love shows up for us in so many ways. I know that sometimes it’s hard to see it but it’s there for you.
Thank you for reading about this part of my heart.