≡ Menu

Moving Through

I can’t even begin to express my thanks for your outpouring of love and support. It’s been a comfort to read your emails, comments and messages and I’m so sorry to learn that many of you have also experienced the terrible effects of addiction in your own lives. I hope it’s something that we can talk more openly about without the negative stigma that seems to veil the issue. I can’t believe how many people this disease touches.

Last week I felt pretty numb. I think I was in mostly in shock. Arriving back in Charlotte and being back in my normal routine has been difficult. It’s tough to see that life is happening all around you the same as it always does but there’s a part of you that’s so changed. I’ve felt really sad this week.

I taught my first yoga class yesterday since receiving the news of my brother’s passing and while it was hard and emotional, I also felt so held in support by my students and yoga community.

I’m not sure how to resume here. So I’ll just share some things that have been a help or comfort to me over the last nine days.

9-28zoey

Running. Running is always one of the first things I turn to when I don’t know what else to do with how I’m feeling. Zoey has been a welcome companion by my side.

9-28morningglory

Morning Glory muffin from Sunflour.

9-28girls

My sweet angels. Seriously, dogs are the greatest therapy. We’ve been doing a ton of walking and cuddling.

9-28sourdough

This sandwich combination of cashew butter, honey and banana on my dad’s sourdough is comfort in a sandwich for me. It’s familiar and easy to digest. On a related note, my dad sent me home with sourdough starter so I am going to play around with baking my own.

9-28seaside

The ocean.

9-28fam

Family. My aunt and cousin happened to be visiting my grandmother when I was in Florida last weekend. We all went out to dinner on Saturday night and it was so amazing to reconnect and catch up with everyone.

9-26sam

More puppy cuddles. My parent’s goldens Sam and Missy were perfect stand ins for my girls while I was in Florida. They are so wonderful.

9-28longrun

More running. 10 mile long run at 6:30 a.m. on Saturday morning in Florida. Doing my long run with the sunrise was all sorts of cathartic.

9-28crisp

Baking. My mom and I baked this Pear and Apple Crisp from Ina Garten and it was so, so good.

9-28cupcake

Friends. I opened cards from friends in bed last night at 10 p.m. while eating this cupcake one of them brought to the studio for me.

9-28rainbow

Signs. Just as I finished writing the post about losing my brother and started reading it to Tanner, I looked up and saw a double rainbow over the Interstate. I have to believe it was a sign from my brother, God and the universe.

Thank you again for being amazing.

Love,
Jen

{ 19 comments… add one }
  • 1
    Mary September 28, 2016, 12:36 pm

    I am so sorry for the hurt and sorrow that you and your family are feeling. I know how you are hurting as I just lost my brother 5 months ago. I was blessed to have an older brother like him and am thankful for every conversation, laugh and hug that we shared. As you go through these coming weeks, please surround yourself with those that you love and that love you. Everything else seems so insignificant right now (and in fact, probably surreal) except your friends and family. I still cannot believe that I will never see my brother again, hear his voice, listen to his immature jokes or feel his hugs. A loss like this quickly realigns our priorities. My prayers are with you and your parents.

    • 2
      Jen DeCurtins October 1, 2016, 9:51 am

      You couldn’t be more right in saying that a loss like this realigns are priorities. I feel like I have zero tolerance for bullshit right now and I am laser-focused on getting very clear in my own priorities and relationships. I am so heartbroken for his pain and struggle and that he felt so bad about himself and his life that this is the path he took. I want to counter that by living my life as fully and lovingly as I can. It’s hard work, but a battle worth fighting. I’m so sorry you lost your brother. Losing a sibling is just all sorts of hard in so many ways. I can’t even make a lot of sense out of it right now and it still feels surreal. I know the coming months (and years) will be a process as I move through grief.

      Sending you lots of love.

  • 3
    S September 28, 2016, 4:31 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. I never comment, I’m not into yoga, I’m 49 and basically have next to nothing in common for you…..yet I’ve been drawn to read your blog for years. Now I know why….. my 21 year old son suffers from the disease of addiction. Thankfully he is in recovery and has been for over a year. I completely agree that we need to shine a light on this disease. Getting into a support group has been the biggest help for me and being honest has been so healing! I am keeping you, your brother and your parents in my prayers. I have thought of them so many times.

  • 4
    S September 28, 2016, 4:33 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. I never comment, I’m not into yoga, I’m 49 and basically have next to nothing in common with you…..yet I’ve been drawn to read your blog for years. Now I know why….. my 21 year old son suffers from the disease of addiction. Thankfully he is in recovery and has been for over a year. I completely agree that we need to shine a light on this disease. Getting into a support group has been the biggest help for me and being honest has been so healing! I am keeping you, your brother and your parents in my prayers. I have thought of them so many times.

    • 5
      Jen DeCurtins October 1, 2016, 9:43 am

      Thank you so very much for taking a moment to comment. Also, thank you for reading my blog and I am extremely sorry to hear about your son’s addiction. I am happy to hear that he has been in recovery for a year. It’s something that I so wish my own brother could have managed. I am seeking out support through both friends and family and also external sources and groups. It helps so much to talk about it and not feel so alone…because we are SO NOT alone. Sending you lots of love. Thank you. <3

  • 6
    Meg September 28, 2016, 5:10 pm

    I am so terribly sorry. I am not sure what to say but just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

    • 7
      Jen DeCurtins October 1, 2016, 9:38 am

      Thank you Meg. I appreciate your condolences and it means so much that you reached out. <3

  • 8
    April Izer September 28, 2016, 6:04 pm

    Just want you to know you are in my prayers.

    • 9
      Jen DeCurtins October 1, 2016, 9:37 am

      Thank you April. It means a lot.

  • 10
    Sarah September 28, 2016, 7:39 pm

    My exercise routine and my family and friends have been my salvation over the past 9 months. Hang in there Jen. There are no words that make it any easier. Just rhetoric love of your family and friends. Someday my hope is the disease of addiction will be accepted for what it is, a disease like any other, and we can let go of the guilt and shame. I love you.

    • 11
      Jen DeCurtins October 1, 2016, 9:36 am

      Hi Sarah – yes, exercise is definitely a huge help for me. I remain amazed by how much it can help me move through whatever overwhelming emotions I may be facing. I know there are no words but just hearing words from so many friends and family has been a comfort. I will never again no reach out to someone during a time of loss because I “don’t know what to say.” I love you so much too and I’ve thought of you so often over the last nine months. xx

  • 12
    Julie Monahan September 29, 2016, 5:50 am

    You are a God send to so many. Praying as you transition and work through the pain and questioning of it all He draws you in continually comforting and restoring your heart. I have been blessed by your spirit, wisdom, encouragement, and humor since stumbling your blog years ago – I can only pray that now when you need it most you are able to feel the same type of support from all those who are rallying behind you. Much love to you and your family.

    • 13
      Jen DeCurtins October 1, 2016, 9:35 am

      Hi Julie – thank you so much for the kind and encouraging words. I feel very supported and grateful for it. I know this will be a process with a lot of ups and downs and of an indeterminable length but I know I can make it though while learning, growing and healing along the way. xx

  • 14
    Ashley Sargent September 29, 2016, 5:53 pm

    Oh, Jen! I hate to hear this. And while I can’t find the right words that might bring any comfort, I am praying for you, your family and those beautiful nieces of yours. Sending hugs your way.

    ashley

    • 15
      Jen DeCurtins October 1, 2016, 9:31 am

      Hi Ashley – thank you so much for taking a moment to share your condolences. The words don’t matter, it just means so much that you reached out.

  • 16
    Karen October 4, 2016, 11:13 pm

    Jen,
    I truly am so sorry to hear about your brother. My prayers are with you.

    • 17
      Jen DeCurtins October 5, 2016, 2:23 pm

      Thank you Karen. It means so much that you reached out.

  • 18
    janine October 4, 2016, 11:55 pm

    Oh Jen, I’m so sorry. I know that I have no words that could do anything to help you right now, but I wish I did. Just know that there is so much love coming your way – I wish there was more I could do, but I’m thankful that you have so many in your life who are loving and supporting you right now.
    xoxo

    • 19
      Jen DeCurtins October 5, 2016, 2:23 pm

      Hi Janine – the words don’t even matter, I just can’t tell you how much I appreciate the comment, love and support. Thank you.

Leave a Comment