I am sitting down to write this post with teary eyes and a heavy heart.
On New Year’s Eve we said goodbye to Zoey.
It seems like only yesterday that I brought this fluffy nugget home. Many of you have been here with me since Zoey was a puppy. She was the sweetest little sister to Sullie, and I credit her for keeping Sullie active, healthy and happy as a senior golden.
When I made the announcement in November 2014 that Zoey joined the fam, I shared that the name Zoe means “life” in Greek. Let me tell you, we gave her the right name because she was absolutely full of life.
Zoey could chase a ball for hours, she was always up for a run (and then walks in her older age) and she was never not getting into trouble – but in the cutest ways. I always joked that Sullie was an angel – she never wanted to be in trouble. Benji gets in trouble but feels so bad about it. Zoey dove head first into trouble and did not care one bit! And the older she got, the more mischievous she was!
She was the BEST big sister to Finn from the time he was in my belly until she passed.
I have a million pictures just like this one.
Just a boy and his dog and a dog and her ball.
Zoey has been his constant for seven years. He loves the dogs and was especially close to Zoey.
It almost broke me to say goodbye to Sullie six years ago. She left us when Finn was one so he doesn’t have much memory of her and didn’t feel the impact of her passing. The loss of Zoey is extra layered because I’m walking Finn through pet loss this time too.
Let me walk you guys through how this all happened and how we are all doing.
I shared back in May that Zoey was diagnosed with a splenic mass that was likely hemangiosarcoma (the same cancer Sullie had – it’s a golden thing). She also had a chest mass and an intramuscular mass on her side. Due to the fact that hemangiosarcoma is a highly aggressive, malignant cancer of the blood vessels, and no treatment is curative, I decided not to put her through multiple surgeries and chemo at the end of life and to let her enjoy what time she had left. I was fully prepared to have 4-6 weeks with her but we ended up with SEVEN more months, which was an incredible blessing.
I can truly say that Zoey loved her life right up until the very end. This photo was taken on November 1. While she couldn’t walk more than a mile or so, she still loved coming out on walks and was so active running around in the backyard and coming up and down the stairs multiple times a day…
Until last Monday. My sweet, sweet girl had an internal bleed that she could not come back from (this is how this cancer takes them). It happened so quickly. One day she was herself and the next she could barely move or walk. I was praying she’d just tweaked her back or that her hips were bothering her but deep down I knew it was something more. I called a mobile vet that was recommended to me by a friend because I knew it was likely not good news and I didn’t want to put her through getting in the car and to our vets office. I wanted her to be comfortable at home.
Joanna came that afternoon and did an end of life assessment. She confirmed that Zoey did have a bleed through examining her gum color, listening to her heart and observing her breathing. With this type of cancer, they can have bleeds and get back to baseline and they can have bleeds and drop dead. This one was somewhere in between but Zoey was just done. Joanna reassured me that she wasn’t in pain, just exhausted from the bleed and likely anemic. I knew it was time to let her go and let her rest. She told me it was okay to wait a couple of days to spoil her and say goodbye. We scheduled Zoey’s euthanasia for Wednesday.
I brought Finn home on Tuesday and explained to him that Zoey was very sick and that we needed to make her feel really special and say goodbye. He kept covering her with his blanket and we had a family spaghetti dinner and movie night.
I cried so so so many tears between Monday and Wednesday. I explained to Finn that I was really sad, and that it was okay to be sad. I shared with him how grateful I was that Zoey got to be our dog for so many years and that you can be both happy and sad at the same time. On Wednesday morning he told me he thought Zoey was getting better and was going to be okay. I thought it best to be completely honest with him and told him Zoey was not going to get better and would be in heaven the next time he came home.
Zoey’s final meal on Wednesday morning was bacon and vanilla ice cream. Finn’s dad picked him up around noon and Joanna came shortly after one.
I spent 30 minutes on the floor with her before Joanna’s arrival – cuddling her and trying to soak in every bit of her. I think I told her 1,000 times that I loved her and gave her 1,000 kisses. When Joanna came, I laid face to face with her just like I did with Sullie and whispered to her over and over again, “you’re such a good girl, mommy is right here, I love you.”
After she was gone, Joanna looked at me and said “Thank you for telling her you loved her. I know people love their pets but they so rarely say it to them and I think it makes a difference.”
I am weeping as I write this part. I am so grateful that Zoey go to go so peacefully after giving us 11 years of love and constant companionship but it’s the absolute most heartbreaking thing to do.
We wrapped her up in the blanket and carried her to the car. Her ashes will be returned to me soon.
We are all so sad. Finn seems okay but then has these big emotional moments. Benji is absolutely distraught and out of sorts – he’s like a completely different dog. I just feel the absence of her so deeply.
We will find our new normal. We will likely ache for her for months to come but I know it will eventually become smiling when we talk about her and sharing sweet memories.
Blogging is different for me these days. I don’t share as much day-to-day or deeply personal life stuff but this feels so important to write about. Zoey has been a fixture in our lives for 11 years – through my brother’s death, engagements, babies, breakups, new jobs, losing Sullie, my mom’s illness and so much more. Dogs are a witness to so much of our lives and that’s a beautiful and important thing.
Rest easy, Zoey girl. We love you so much.
