Returning to normalcy after deep, life-shifting loss feels, frankly, impossible. I’ve leaned on my routines to help establish a familiar rhythm and to focus my energy on something that is not grief and suffering, but I’ve abandoned any idea that things are going to go back to normal. The only option for moving forward is to create a new normal, a version of life that my mom and grandmother aren’t here for. And that, my friends, flat out sucks. I miss them so much. It’s unfathomable that I can never call my mom or grandmother again. It’s mind-bending that the two most important women in my life are just gone. I dream of them. I think of them constantly. I replay so many things over and over again in my mind.

I have no idea what that new version of life is going to look like so I’m giving myself a lot of grace to take it day by day. I get asked every single day how I am doing. I always answer honestly. Some version of, “Not great but okay. Just taking it day by day.” I know that healing does not happen all at once or on a specific timeline. I honestly don’t even think you can magically heal from this kind of loss, you just learn how to co-exist with it in a softer way.

It’s been three weeks since my grandmother died. And I’ve found myself longing to come here and write words. To share things like what I bought at Trader Joe’s and what I’ve been eating lately. To fill you in on what Finn and I have been up to this fall. I genuinely enjoy the introspection and creativity of writing. I also think there’s comfort in the familiarity of the blog post process, and in some ways it makes me feel closer to my grandmother. She was Peanut Butter Runner’s number one fan and it she loved when she opened her browser to find I had shared a new post. I’ve slowed down on the blog a lot over the last couple of years. She always reminded me that there hadn’t been a new post in a while…and everything in me now is saying, “come back.” 

What it’s going to look like, I have no plan or expectations, but today is a start. Here’s an overview of what’s been going on these last few weeks.

THE GOLDEN GIRLS 

Let’s start with the goldens. That’s a great way to ease in. The day after I got home from being at the hospital with my grandmother when she passed, the girls got spayed. Penelope also had two mast cell tumors removed from her lower back leg. Y’all…we were IN IT for a solid 10 days after that. First, dogs in cones is just brutal. I also had surgical suits for them but I was so anxious about optimizing their recovery and not having set backs that I kept the cones on them 99.9% of the time. Second, Sasha was having all sorts of gastro issues – likely from the anesthesia and pain meds. I cannot tell you how many times I washed her, the floors, the dog beds, towels and myself.

Then, just as I got Sasha an the up and up, Penelope chewed out one of the sets of stitches in her leg – WITH A CONE ON – and we spent an afternoon at the emergency vet. She had to be put under again for them to irrigate the wound and restitch. Shout out to VEG for being the best emergency vet ever. They let me stay with her the whole time – even though the sedation and procedure.

We have persevered and I’m happy to report that everyone is fully healed and out of cones. Sadly, we’ve found another mast cell tumor on Penelope’s front paw that cannot be surgically removed so we waiting for an oncology consult to see if she’s a candidate for a new injection that can destroy the mast cells.

I FINALLY SAW DERMOTT KENNEDY IN CONCERT

Seeing Dermott Kennedy live has been on my bucket list for years. He’s an Irish singer-songwriter and his music speaks to me so deeply. It’s raw and emotional and his voice is soulful and real. It was one of those concerts where you’re like, “wow…he’s even better in person…how is that possible!?” I saw him just four days after my grandmother passed and it was so meaningful. It rained for the last 30 minutes of the concert and I can’t explain how cathartic it was to stand there in the rain watching Dermott perform.

Kind of crazy…I also saw Mumford & Sons back in August just nine days after my mom died. It was my second time seeing them in concert and it was insanely powerful. I actually had to step out at one point because I felt so emotionally overwhelmed.

Both shows were a 10/10.

GOING GRAY

One beautiful thing about deep grief is the new lens it gives you on what’s important to you in that time of life. After my mom died, I decided to stop coloring my hair. I started getting grays in my late teens. I began covering them with permanent color in the salon around age 30 and eventually got to where I was going 4-5 weeks. My hair seemed so unhealthy and had started falling out in handfuls in the shower. It was also expensive and time consuming to go to the salon that often. So I decided to try growing out my grays!

A few notes:

• I’m not sure what percentage of my hair is gray at this point…maybe 30-40? I felt this was an excellent time to do gray grow out before I had a stark white demarkation line.
• Love seeing the depth of my natural brown as opposed to the red tones of the permanent color.
• I’m already experiencing probably 80% less hair loss in the shower since I stopped coloring. It’s been 15 weeks since my last color service!!!
• I have no idea what I’m going to do once it’s more grown out. If I like the salt and pepper, I’ll stick with that. I also may do some lighter/gray blending highlights once my hair is overall a little lighter. I just want to avoid going back to dying it super dark. We shall see!
• In momentsI feel super self-conscious about it, especially at work, but mostly it’s freeing.
• Finn hates it. He keeps telling me I need to dye my hair. I finally dug out his reason why when he said to me one day, “Mommy, I don’t want you to get old.” Broke my heart. My little guy is processing a lot right now with our recent losses.

RUNNING UPDATE

I recently took about a month off of running to rest my left ankle because I was worried that I was dealing with some posterior tib tendonitis and I have a marathon training block coming up. My ankle started hurting after Moab Run the Rocks – it was just a pinpoint pain on my inner ankle bone. I thought it was a bone bruise from the tongue of my new trail shoes pressing into my ankle over the course of the three-day race. That was back in March and that one spot has stayed super tender. And then I noticed that my left arch was collapsing a little bit and I went deep down the rabbit hole.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my friends at Greenapple Sports doing active release, scraping, lasers, etc for my food. Dr. Bradberry actually told me I could keep running but I was just so worried about it side lining me that I took some time off. We did x-rays to rule out a stress fracture or avulsion. He thinks it’s mostly my deltoid ligament and maybe a little posterior tib. I’m running with arch supports in my shoes and doing PT exercises.

I started running again a couple of weeks ago and have been trying to keep and every other day or every three days cadence. So far, so good! Official training for my third Every Woman’s Marathon kicks off next week!

I’m very much looking forward to a marathon training block. Nothing helps me process and move through emotions like running does. Bonus that I’ll be training through fall/winter for a February 28 marathon. My last couple of have been summer training for a November marathon. I much prefer training in cooler weather, especially living in North Carolina where we don’t really get snow or crazy freezing temps.

I had my VO2 max tested yesterday and I cannot wait to write a whole post about that crazy experience and how it will impact my marathon training!

THE HARDEST WEEKEND 

I spent last weekend in Florida with my dad going through my grandmother’s condo. I was so anxious the whole week leading up to it and it was every bit as terrible as I imagined it would be. The feeling of walking into her condo and not seeing her in her chair was just gut wrenching. It broke my heart every time I walked in the door. It smelled like her. It felt like her. It was so familiar – but all the sudden foreign.

My whole life my grandmother’s house has been my safe and happy place. I am beyond grateful that I had that for 43 years and that Finn had it for 8 years. I’ve said this so many times but one of the biggest blessings of my life is that the two of them crossed paths and developed such a special bond. I know you all know how much time we spent in Florida these last 8 years. I am grateful for every single trip. We only have this one precious life and investing time, energy and love into your people is always the right call.

WHERE I FEEL THE MOST WHOLE

There have been so many moments these last few months where I’ve wondered how I can show up to teach or train clients. Being on and people-facing felt impossible. I told myself, “you’re too fragile,” “you should’t be doing this,” “you should stay home.” But every time I showed up, I felt a little more whole and a whole lot more like me. Especially when with my yogis at Charlotte Yoga. The practice and sharing it with others has given me so many tools in my toolbox.

THE END

Okay, my dad’s golden Beau and I are calling it. Thank you for reading this far. I’m so grateful for all the love and support, and I’d be so honored if you stick with me for whatever this new evolution of blogging becomes. I feel more serious about it than I have in years.