Last week I was talking with someone about how I have been feeling recently and trying to describe where I am from an emotional standpoint. I am guilty of putting the pressure on myself that everything has to look neat, pretty and put together. But life is not always neat or pretty and there are times that things seem to fall apart faster than I can put them back together. Although I am grateful for all of the amazing blessings and good things that have come my way, I also struggle with anxiety because things have changed so much. And there are days where I have a really hard time maintaining the faith that everything works out in the end.
I was asked the question, “When do you feel at peace and get the sense that you are really okay?” My response was, “When I’m somewhere bigger than myself.”
Recently, I have had an incredible urge to be somewhere bigger than myself. Somewhere that I am just a tiny part of everything going on around me. Somewhere that my personal struggles and the everyday drama mean nothing in the big picture of everything around me.
For some reason, I’ve had a longing to be in New York City. This is odd given that I’ve only ever visited the city one time but the energy and anonymity it offers is appealing. Last weekend I holed up in my house for some quiet time. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone or do anything other than focus inward and work on feeling like I had things organized and under control. When I finally ventured out and went to a yoga class on Sunday evening, I was hit with the feeling that I can’t really go anywhere anonymously in Charlotte anymore. I always run into friends or people that know me through the gym, teaching yoga or my blog. I want to be clear that I’m not giving myself a false sense of self-importance but sometimes a girl just wants to go to a yoga class looking like shit and cry on her mat a little without worrying about small talk or acting like everything is so fabulous at that moment in time. It’s funny because on one hand I love how connected I feel in the Charlotte fitness community and never imagined that I could be a part of something so amazing but with that I did give up a little bit of my ability to be a part of the crowd and not the leader of it.
There is something very peaceful about moments when you feel 100% comfortable in your own skin and confident in the direction your life is taking. I usually find that I have to remove myself from my day-to-day routine to achieve this mindset and when I do, it’s so powerful. This is why I have to get out of Charlotte sometimes and go to the mountains, the beach or to visit family and friends. I think we all need a step back from the everyday to look at the picture as a whole.
I am not starving. I do not live in poverty. I don’t have an incurable disease. I own a house. I live in a beautiful city. I have the ability to travel, eat out and live my life freely.
Sometimes I need to be reminded of all of this by standing in the middle of a big city and being surrounded by life happening all around me.
Sometimes I need to climb up a mountain and feel small at the top to appreciate the beauty of my life and surroundings.
Sometimes I need to look at the ocean and feel the sense of calm that its enormity provides. The coming and going of the waves remind me to inhale. And exhale.
And sometimes I need to hug someone who has loved me since the moment I arrived on this earth.
Now, who wants to take a weekend trip to NYC?